Donkee House

Guilty Pleasures

Image via The Dog Guide

Guilty pleasures – stuff you do that you won’t readily admit to due to impending embarrassment and ridicule, so you sneak it.  You have some.  You know it.  I know it.  I know you do because I know I do.  I have a whole bunch.  I want to lay them out  – to act as a reality check so that list of guilty pleasures won’t grow so huge…won’t become the norm rather than the exception and implode upon itself.  EGAD!

Reality TV – I am bucketing reality TV from TV in general because some shows or programs on TV are actually incredibly educational, inspirational and fun all at the same time.  Planet Earth, anyone?  That series is OUT OF THIS WORLD GOOD – visually, musically, acoustically, Sigourney Weaver does some wonderful narration and it’s absolutely educational!  I even love the commercial for it – that music is so dramatic!  Wait, does the commercial now count as a guilty pleasure?  Ummm…I’m going to say no, because it’s for an educational series.  This commercial to which I was addicted to, on the other hand…OOOkkkk now…anyway, back to reality TV…

I’m talking American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and Hell’s Kitchen.  They’re all pretty much fodder with So You Think You Can Dance toeing the line to acceptable fodder – after all, the husband who is vehemently anti-reality TV has gotten sucked in for two seasons in a row and he sometimes tears from some of the more moving performances.  Heh.

These shows don’t really teach me much, but yet they are on my DVR list and I watch them pretty faithfully.  Hell’s Kitchen will be the first to go – although all that cursing and unnecessary drama gives me momentary glee – the contestants are not interesting enough.

Disclosure – Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmerman do not count – they are completely watchable and educational to boot.  I want Bourdain’s eloquence, wit and honesty – Bourdain is Bourdain and that’s that.  Moving on!

Spicy, spicy, hot, hot, HOT – When I was a young ‘un, the blood running through my veins was probably 10% blood and 90% hot sauce.  Hot sauce, jalapenos, habaneros, pepper flakes, chili powder anything and everything spicy that would burn your mouth and render you numb and a red-faced slobbering, salivating blob – I’m down!  Extra spicy everything and hot sauce on pizza, noodles, pasta, chicken, steak, fish, soup, ANYTHING!  Crystal was my favorite, closely followed by anything that was spicy and garlicky.

After decades of abusing the spicy, my system has finally given me the big ole bird and basically no longer tolerates spicy of any ilk.  I suffer and go through a roll of TP the next day while the husband shakes his head.  Such is the price to pay.  It all started when I “suffered” every other day or so and the husband pointed to the spicy.  I said, “no fucking way!”.  Then it got to the point where I experimented with a week of non-spicy (it was awful!) and my system calmed down and I didn’t pay the price that week.  The realization dropped on me like a fat bird’s poop on freshly washed hair and my world fell apart!

Now, SOMETIMES, I can get away with it.  If I do a mild spicy (mild for me) once on a weekend, my system might be fine with it.  But nevertheless, I cheat only once in a rare while now and I never go as crazy spicy as I used to.  Oy, the good ole days…

If you want to be my friend, do NOT put a bottle of Crystal in front of me, ever.  Otherwise, my eyes will go wide and glaze over and I will enter the zombie spicy trance.  Same for habanero stuffed olives.  I am banned from the hot sauce aisle in the supermarket.

Bowls – I love bowls.  We probably have too many bowls and don’t need more.  But I want more.  Any size or shape or material.  Mixing bowls, cereal bowls, dessert bowls, square bowls, round bowls, pink bowls, blue bowls…you name it.  My theory – they are the most versatile of all dishware.  What can you NOT eat with a bowl?  A bowl of cherries?  Yep.  A bowl of rice and beans?  Sure thing.  A bowl of leftover beef casserole?  Ya.  A bowl of rhubarb strawberry crumble?  Yes, please.  See what I mean?

Almond Joy & Whoppers- I don’t like chocolate at all.  Not much of a sweet person, I’m definitely of the salty and crunchy ilk.  I’ll take a bag of Doritos over a bar of chocolate or a BOWL of ice cream any day, every day.  Everything changes with Almond Joy and Whoppers.  I don’t even like coconut that much (except for coconut water) and I’m not a huge nut fan.  But put coconut, almonds and chocolate together – magic happens.  I grew up with Whoppers and the malt makes it all not too chocolate-y.  Perhaps it’s a nostalgia thing.  I have an Almond Joy in my bag right now.

Cats – I have always been a dog person.  You should already know this if you read this blog!  BUT…I will now admit that I do have a slight affinity for cats, but only cats with a dog personality.  Say what?  What the what?  I like the independence of cats and their “I don’t give a fuck” attitude – they’re not needy and can take care of themselves, for the most part.  However, their aloofness and attitude can sometimes give the person it owns an inferiority complex.  That’s why I like doggie cats.  Cats that are cats, but also gives a shit about you and wants to cuddle and play sometimes.  If only I wasn’t so allergic…

McDonald’s Fries and Chicken McNuggets – I’ll take them morning, noon and night.  I don’t know what’s in them nor do I really care when I’m chomping down in all that nasty goodness.

That’s all I have for now, lest this post should go on forever and through all eternity.

So…I know I’m not the only one…tell me one or two of your guilty pleasures and make me feel oh so not alone…

My Right Eyeball is Falling Out…

I am resolutely convinced that my right eyeball will swell up to the size of a pink grapefruit, then gently pop out and roll down my face on to the nicely steamed hardwood floor to the other side of the living room in oh, about TEN MINUTES.  I have a swollen tear duct and it’s about twice the size of the other tear duct in my other eye.

Nope, I don’t feel any pain nor irritation (wait, maybe I do…) and if you were to look at me right now, you most likely will not even notice it.  Except that I will most assuredly point to my engorged right tear duct and say, “SEE?  LOOK at that thing…it’s the size of MONTANA!  It’s clouding my vision by the second and soon, my face will be engorged, I’ll be blind in one eye and doomed to the deep dark depths of hell.  Because this SURELY is a sign of impending HELL, isn’t it?  ISN’T IT?”

I am ALMOST accepting of the fact that I will become a one-eyed lunatic.  It can’t be that horrible, right?  After all, I have ANOTHER eye.  ANOTHER eye that is almost blind at -6.00 prescription for my contact – singular.  When I become a one-eyed lunatic, I’ll need an eye patch…what will I look like then?

Will I be bad-ass AND also like cute in a nurse’s uniform?

Will I look hot damn in thigh high boots with crazy cool hair?

Will I be arguably the most gorgeous being on Earth (but I will NOT have a dozen children, ok? OK)?

Will I become one of the five?

Will I become an androgynous rock star and scare off all children 8 and under and traumatize them for all eternity so that even as a 33 year old adult, you still won’t be able to look at a picture of him/it/her/erhm without the hair on your arms standing on end?  (ahem…)

Cute doggie!  PLAY?

Would I be sexy like The Hoff?

Ooops…can’t someone just DRAW the eye patch on this one?  HUSBAND….ADMIN…PHOTOSHOP GUY!!!!

Another Episode of Home Inspection Mishaps

How did he get in there in the first place?  He’s just…hanging, stiffly – with his toes all splayed out…

I see at LEAST five more outlets open for use…how many can you spot?

Meh…what’s a little mold, eh?  Fuzzy, wuzzy…

What’s the matter?  Don’t YOU have floodlights in your shower?

Excellent for extra coat or dog leash hanging and murder.

No kids, this is SO not a pinata…

What the what, hot tub?  I have nothing to say.

A self-contained eco-system in the attic.  Bats mean no bugs, and the snake is bat control.  Check out how meaty the bats are…must have been a lot of bugs around.

This owner MUST be the ultimate multi-tasker.

Very high gross factor….who wants to remark on this genuiosity?  Do it.

Nice, clean and not icky compared to the butted up toilet above.  Outlet – check.  TP – check.  It’s an all-in-one shower.  All he needs is the sink!

All Images via This Old House

Howard Zinn Taught Me So Much

Howard Zinn provided a great education to many millions and opened minds for many more…including myself.  His brilliance and bravery will be missed.

1922-2010

2010 Already?

photo credit: Sukanto Debnath

I don’t know about anyone else, but 2009 pretty much flew by for me.  It seems like just last minute that I got used to typing/writing “09″.  I consider myself very lucky for having a wonderful year.  Now, there were some downs as well as ups, but the ups, I feel, outweighed the downs in 2009, for sure.  Maybe this calls for some sort of list?

Downs

• BPV (vertigo) – ugh…that sucked ass BIG time.  Still reeling a bit now (2.5 months later) – so still sucking ass little time.
• Besides vertigo, I got sick more often in 2009.  I washed my hands like crazy (they are so dry now…), but that didn’t seem to help.  Scratch that…I KNOW washing hands help, but perhaps I bathed in some germy, bacterial and viral concoction while sleepwalking and boy, I had or still have to fight the good fight every once in a while.
• Reality TV – I got sucked in and I tried to suck the husband in too because I’m quietly evil that way.  American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance and Hell’s Kitchen.  Adam Lambert gave us chills (in a good way), some dances made the husband cry and who doesn’t love a raving and cursing lunatic?
• We didn’t travel in 2009.  We did go to Florida and North Carolina to visit family, but we so wanted to go back to Aruba or somewhere AWAY.  It WILL happen in 2010.

Ups

• We closed and re-financed our first investment property.  We have a decent amount of equity (25-30%) and making a slight positive cash flow each month.  The re-financing was a harrowing and frustrating procedure, but we finally made it through.  If banks had necks, I would sneak up to one (just one to get my anger out) from behind and choke it with dental floss.
• We re-financed our primary residence – our lovely, but constantly chaotic 2 bedroom co-op.  Chaotic is a mild term, you should see what the heck is going on right now.  You should…but I can’t show you.  If I did, I would then have to sneak up behind you with dental floss.  I’m working on something big (big for me) and have been hard at it for a bit now.  When it’s time to make it public, I will make an announcement right here!  Stay tuned for that, my donkee friends!  That was called a TANGENT…
• We paid off our HUGE tax bill from 2007.  AMT (Alternative Minimum Tax) can kiss our flabby asses!
• I visited my folks in Long Island more often.  I seem a bit less like the ungrateful daughter/sister/aunt that I am.
• I’ve become more tolerant of babies and children in general.  This is a direct result of my nieces, nephew and friends’ lovely children.  They’re just so awesome…
• I’ve finally let go of my bitchy, grouchy and miserable persona courtesy of my previous job.  I hit my one year anniversary in my current job in late 2009 and yes, it did take about one year for me to get over the trauma of the previous torture box.  I’m not all sugar and spice…I can be a bitch, a grouch and wallow in general misery, but only on special qualified occasions and every second week of the month, not 24/7 like before.
• I wake up earlier.  Voluntarily, not dragged out of bed cursing the world, scratching its face and kicking its balls.  Weekdays now is anywhere from 6 – 6:15am.  Weekends anywhere from 7:30 – 10am.  All times are approximate and so totally different from years before.  Weekdays used to be the last possible minute to LATE, like 7-7:30am.  Weekends used to be 2-4pm.  I kid you guys not.  I’m just not as tired as I was before.  I’m much less stressed and much more happy (see above).  There is just SO much more fun stuff to do now!
• I can’t bring myself to buy $500 boots, $300 shoes and $600 coats anymore.  What’s the point?  I’d much rather see that cash in the bank.  It’s a shift in thinking and mindset.  Whereas those $500 boots used to make me feel great, the high was always short-lived and really never provided much substance.  I was never really SATISFIED in all cylinders.  Fashion show-off me would feel great, but financially savvy me would feel really guilty and all around practical me knew that it was all so unnecessary.  Now that I’m shunning those expensive add-ons and parking that cash where it belongs (in the bank or actually, 2009 was paying all those medical bills), everything feels RIGHT.  I don’t miss those damn boots and I really have more than enough of…everything.  Oh, and thrift stores ROCK!
• I’m reading books out of my decades long comfort zone.  I’ve always been a literary snob and have always gravitated toward heavier stuff from back in the days.  I limited myself to (although they still remain favorites because they taught me so much and provoked me into thinking rather than just being entertained) Dostoyevsky, Kundera, Hesse, Steinbeck, Hamsun, etc.  The husband finally broke through my veil of literary snobbiness and convinced me to read other genres and started me on high fantasy and sci-fi.  With a roll of my mocking eyes and a righteous snort, I embarked on my first high fantasy series and I’m telling you…it’s MAGIC!  No, seriously…MAGIC!  Thank you to the husband for opening my eyes (my eyesight was and probably is so limited and narrow, but being the husband, that’s part of your job…to keep introducing me to things), thank you to Ursula Le Guin, to George R.R. Martin, to Scott Lynch, to Robert Jordan (RIP) and to Patrick Rothfuss for sharing your worlds.
• Donkee House was born.  A fledgling blog…still trying to find its identity.  Even though it’s still so very young, it’s already evolving into a more personal log rather than fitting into a certain niche or two.  I hope you guys will continue to ride with me as this space continues to change, evolve and move forward!
• I quit smoking on 2.26.09.

So yeah, 2009 was a pretty good year, right?  2010 started out with a bang…even though I was off work this week, I still was working mighty hard on my new venture that will soon come to fruition.  As for what I was doing on the stroke of midnight on the dawn of this new decade…I was playing Guitar Hero…I was rocking it out, folks!

So…was 2009 a good one or a bad one for you?  With all my might, I sure as hell wish it was a good one or that the good moments really shined for you!

Losing My Mind…A Bit at a Time…

Is it possible to go from being one of the smartest people in the room (that was what my first grade teacher Mrs. Levy said!) to definitely the dumbest ass on the train?  Is it possible to lose one’s IQ as quickly as one loses a couple of pounds after a good poop?

I think it is possible because I’m exhibit A.  I’m getting dumber.  By the minute.  By dumber, I mean my brain is not processing simple information at lightning speed like it used to.  By the minute, I mean like 2 months ago.  As in, this decline most likely started 2 months ago when I had an episode of BPV (benign positional vertigo).  That’s a WHOLE other post waiting to happen! It takes me a whole 3 minutes to listen and understand the husband when he says, for example, “put what you want washed in the hamper.  I’m doing a load of laundry.”  Really, something very simple.  In the past, I would have dumped all that I owned in the hamper in 6 seconds flat.  Now, I just stare at him for a good 2.5 minutes before comprehension dawns on me like the new moon.

Laundry…wash…clothes…must…put…in…hamper!  YES!

Another example of my exemplary decline into dementia just happened this past weekend.  Saturday night was that huge big snowstorm.  The husband and I were in Long Island doing early Christmas with my family (heading down to North Carolina this year during real Christmas to hang out with the brother-in-law’s family).  Over 12 inches of fresh snow!  Serious fun, right?  YES!  If I had a sled and a dog – loads of fun!

But in the end, we needed to get home.  We waited for the LIRR for almost 50 minutes (not TOO horrendous given the crazy snow), then the trip home was not bad at all.  We had a suitcase and two huge bags full of presents to bring home along with my purse.

Once we hit Jamaica, we grabbed the suitcase and the bags and leapt onto the wintery platform.  We minded the gap too.  Waited a while for the E train.  E train comes, we are about to get on.  Why do I feel so light?  Why do I feel so naked?  I’m…missing something.  The Earth is round.  My name is…Mother of all mothers…I fucking left my purse on the LIRR.  It’s halfway to Penn Station by now, nothing I can do…FUCK ME!

“I left my purse!  Fuck!”  is what I said to the husband.  He looks back at me with momentary alarm, then settles into his everything-will-be-ok mode, then murmurs a “fuck!”  FUCK!

What was left behind:

1. New-ish brown leather purse – just got it a few weeks ago.  Paid $45 because I got it from work.  Original retail is $178. Good deal, eh?

2.  Prescription medication and a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol.

3.  Purell

4.  Homemade yellow zipper bag with feminine necessities in various absorbing strengths, floss, extra pair of contacts and two bobby pins.

5.  My work ID – I would have to pay $25 to replace.

6.  Pack of tissue

7.  Two lip balms – I need choices, people.

8.  A new-ish Panasonic Camera – just a few months old.  The husband paid $300+ for it AND it had all the Christmas pictures!

9.  My phone – all contacts lost!  Got reprimanded by the husband later because I was too lazy to let him sync my phone with my laptop.  If I did, my contacts would not be lost – they would be in my laptop too.

10.  Keys

11. Wallet…$97 in cash, 5 credit cards with total limit over $40k and $0 balance, pre-tax transportation card from work, license, insurance cards, a $1000 check written out as a Christmas present to the parents but have yet to give (someone could have just endorsed it to themselves)  and here is where the DUMB really sets in…my social security card…

Hit me on the head and call me an oxygen deprived featherless goose!  I can be THAT dumb.  Gah!  gah…ga…I know.  I kept it in my wallet because I’m dumb and I’m losing my mind!  Like losing my wallet won’t happen to me like STD won’t happen to Tiger.  Uh.  Did I mention I left my mittens on the LIRR on the way INTO Long Island?  No?  I just did.

Got home.  Stayed up until 3am cancelling cards and stopping the check ($25 zing!).  Went to bed…wakened by the husband after 4am…he whispered that it was found.  He asked me whether I heard or understood him.  I heard him, but my mind was so full of kitten and puppy dreams.

The next morning, it turned out that the husband called my phone at 4am and someone from the LIRR customer service actually answered!  They had the purse and everything in it!  Ain’t that a Christmas miracle?!  Thank god my phone still had battery and thank god whoever picked up my purse was nice enough to turn it in intact!  Thank you whoever you are!  Thanks a million!  REALLY!

I’ve learned my lesson.  The social security card is now OUT of my wallet and in safekeeping.  About time…

But here is my theory to my general dumbness and slowless as of late.  I am still experiencing lingering effects of BPV.  I’m still dizzy a lot of times, my head has since felt like I have a 15 pound helmet on – some days are better than others, some days are worse.  When I look at something, sometimes my inside eyes and mind don’t see it till a few seconds later.  Like static, static, static…ok, focus!

I think I’m spending a lot of energy and effort dealing with the dizzy and don’t have much room for much else.  Even now, when I turn my head sideways, the inside of my head seems to turn slower than my actual head, if that makes any sense.  Up or down is even more troublesome – then I feel like I’m floating a bit.

I can’t wait to feel normal again…to have a day where my head doesn’t carry all that weight, to be able to lie down flat in bed again and not have to wait a few seconds for my inside head to float down to the rest of me.  Don’t get me wrong, though.  I’m SO thankful that I’m out of the eye of the BPV storm.  THAT was not fun.  The after effects I have now are 1000, no 5000 times better than the actual episode itself.  BPV in full force will stop you in your track, render you to no more than a lump of stiff necked coal.

Anyway, that’s why I think I’m dumber than normal.  Let’s hope that when this vertigo remnant disappears, I can feel in tune and smart again!

What I Don’t Want for Christmas

photo credit: Reiner Schubert

One of my favorite things to do in the whole world is to give gifts.  I love the process of coming up with creative, practical and meaningful ideas that will make the person or people you are gifting to smile.  A REAL smile, not the obligatorily awkward not-look-you-in-the-eyes with the slight uptick of the corner of the lips smile.

We’ve all seen or witnessed these Ew-this-gift-sucks-bull’s-balls-but-you’re-my-friend/sister/mother/co-worker/therapist-so-I-need-to-winningly-look-like-I-love-it-and-this-is-the-best-sheez-ever gifted smiles.  I, too, shall break out my Ew-gift smile if ever presented with any of these on my please-don’t-even-think-about-it list:

(You might think me coarse and shallow for not appreciating any and all gifts….and you would be so right, my fair readers – all two of you!  But I’m being honest here and truthfully, would rather the giftor save their money and time and not create waste!)

(Yes, I’m using a lot of hyphens this morning.  I’m not awake enough or smart enough this early to be clever and succinct.  Or ever.)

1.  CANDLES – I know some of them smell really fruity and delicious.  Some actually make me salivate and want to chomp down on their waxy goodness.  But really, I don’t use them.  I’ve had candles in the past (a good amount, actually) but I rarely lit them.  They sat and took up space and collected dust.  I’m un-romantic that way.

2.  CLOTHES – I’m finicky, picky and all around impossible when it comes to clothes.  I like to thrift for my clothes for the most part.  I wear a range of sizes (from XS to L) depending on the item.  I could love a loud color on this, but hate it on that.  Subtle shade gradations make a HUGE difference to me.  Fabric makes or breaks it.  And I don’t want this…EVER…unless I’m going to an ugly sweater party:

3.  MAKE-UP – I don’t wear too much make-up.  Powder because I’m greasy like a rabidly hormonal teenager, blush because it makes me look a girl (something HAS to) and eyeliner or mascara (one or the other because I’m too lazy to do TWO things to the same spot) to open up my eyes a bit so I won’t look perpetually sleepy and/or stoned.  That’s it – nothing more.  I’m clueless about eye shadows, concealers, foundations, tinted things and abhor lipstick.  If I had to put on make-up, I would look like this or worse:

4.  TCHOTCHKES – (Ummm…had to look up the spelling for this one.)  I am or try to be minimal.  I don’t like dust because I don’t like TO dust – ask the husband.  I like to have everything behind some kind of doors to minimize said dust.  I like things to be functional.  I don’t like to have or display things because they look cute at a particular moment in time.  They won’t look so cute if I have to dust them.  They definitely will start to look mightily annoyingly after a few months of seeing them day in and day out – cuteness fades away like NKOTB.  No tchotchkes, people!

photo credit: romana klee

5.  TWILIGHT ANYTHING – No, I don’t want to read it or watch it.  No, I don’t think he’s cute.  He’s not either.  Looking at her depresses me, but she can be pretty in a darkly damsel-in-distress kind of way.  The whole phenomenon irks me and makes me squint and itch.  NO!

Rodney Moonlights as Pincushion

This is Rodney the Reindeer.  He’s been my husband’s groupie for over a decade.  Lately, I’ve started to dive into my arts and crafts.  It’s almost the holidays, after all.  I thought I would put Rodney to good use.  I mean – he’s been just lying around looking all shocked for so many years!

My husband momentarily freaked out when he saw Rodney the Reindeer got himself a part time job as my pincushion sewing assistant.  He was almost in tears, but I convinced him that I was really doing Rodney good and well by giving him free acupuncture.  Maybe I’m just heartless?  Should I feel bad about poking sharp objects all over a stuffed reindeer’s butt?

When a Co-Worker Steals Your Food…

I know this happens quite often wherever a group of people work together.  It’s sadly part of human nature, in a way.  I wrote this note and taped it up on the fridge at work after discovering that someone had pilfered one of my soy yogurts.  If it were once or twice, then it could have been considered rare isolated incidences.

However, because this happens in just about every office environment a bit too many times, I felt I had to communicate with the resident office food thief.  Come on!  You know every office has at LEAST one!

At least I made it safe for work  by not cursing and issuing threats…

*I put my name and extension at the bottom of the note, but I cropped it off here for everyone’s reading pleasure…*

**I KNOW it’s small and a bit tough to read…sorry!**

***Yes, I know I made a couple of mistakes, I was typing a bit too fast in my eagerness to get this note up on the fridge.  The longer it’s up on the frige, the better chance the food thief will see it.***

Interracial Couple Denied Marriage License

Louisiana Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell denied a couple their marriage license because they are interracial.  Wait, I’m sorry, hold on a sec…I have to check my Yahoo calendar…

Funny, it says 2009…

Bardwell denied them because he is concerned about their future children not being accepted into society and he doesn’t think interracial marriages survive.  He is sincerely concerned for everybody’s well-being and of COURSE, he is NOT a racist, you silly goose!

Someone please donate a clue to him.

Read more over at The Associated Press.