Is it possible to go from being one of the smartest people in the room (that was what my first grade teacher Mrs. Levy said!) to definitely the dumbest ass on the train? Is it possible to lose one’s IQ as quickly as one loses a couple of pounds after a good poop?
I think it is possible because I’m exhibit A. I’m getting dumber. By the minute. By dumber, I mean my brain is not processing simple information at lightning speed like it used to. By the minute, I mean like 2 months ago. As in, this decline most likely started 2 months ago when I had an episode of BPV (benign positional vertigo). That’s a WHOLE other post waiting to happen! It takes me a whole 3 minutes to listen and understand the husband when he says, for example, “put what you want washed in the hamper. I’m doing a load of laundry.” Really, something very simple. In the past, I would have dumped all that I owned in the hamper in 6 seconds flat. Now, I just stare at him for a good 2.5 minutes before comprehension dawns on me like the new moon.
Laundry…wash…clothes…must…put…in…hamper! YES!
Another example of my exemplary decline into dementia just happened this past weekend. Saturday night was that huge big snowstorm. The husband and I were in Long Island doing early Christmas with my family (heading down to North Carolina this year during real Christmas to hang out with the brother-in-law’s family). Over 12 inches of fresh snow! Serious fun, right? YES! If I had a sled and a dog – loads of fun!
But in the end, we needed to get home. We waited for the LIRR for almost 50 minutes (not TOO horrendous given the crazy snow), then the trip home was not bad at all. We had a suitcase and two huge bags full of presents to bring home along with my purse.
Once we hit Jamaica, we grabbed the suitcase and the bags and leapt onto the wintery platform. We minded the gap too. Waited a while for the E train. E train comes, we are about to get on. Why do I feel so light? Why do I feel so naked? I’m…missing something. The Earth is round. My name is…Mother of all mothers…I fucking left my purse on the LIRR. It’s halfway to Penn Station by now, nothing I can do…FUCK ME!
“I left my purse! Fuck!” is what I said to the husband. He looks back at me with momentary alarm, then settles into his everything-will-be-ok mode, then murmurs a “fuck!” FUCK!
What was left behind:
1. New-ish brown leather purse – just got it a few weeks ago. Paid $45 because I got it from work. Original retail is $178. Good deal, eh?
2. Prescription medication and a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol.
3. Purell
4. Homemade yellow zipper bag with feminine necessities in various absorbing strengths, floss, extra pair of contacts and two bobby pins.
5. My work ID – I would have to pay $25 to replace.
6. Pack of tissue
7. Two lip balms – I need choices, people.
8. A new-ish Panasonic Camera – just a few months old. The husband paid $300+ for it AND it had all the Christmas pictures!
9. My phone – all contacts lost! Got reprimanded by the husband later because I was too lazy to let him sync my phone with my laptop. If I did, my contacts would not be lost – they would be in my laptop too.
10. Keys
11. Wallet…$97 in cash, 5 credit cards with total limit over $40k and $0 balance, pre-tax transportation card from work, license, insurance cards, a $1000 check written out as a Christmas present to the parents but have yet to give (someone could have just endorsed it to themselves) and here is where the DUMB really sets in…my social security card…
Hit me on the head and call me an oxygen deprived featherless goose! I can be THAT dumb. Gah! gah…ga…I know. I kept it in my wallet because I’m dumb and I’m losing my mind! Like losing my wallet won’t happen to me like STD won’t happen to Tiger. Uh. Did I mention I left my mittens on the LIRR on the way INTO Long Island? No? I just did.
Got home. Stayed up until 3am cancelling cards and stopping the check ($25 zing!). Went to bed…wakened by the husband after 4am…he whispered that it was found. He asked me whether I heard or understood him. I heard him, but my mind was so full of kitten and puppy dreams.
The next morning, it turned out that the husband called my phone at 4am and someone from the LIRR customer service actually answered! They had the purse and everything in it! Ain’t that a Christmas miracle?! Thank god my phone still had battery and thank god whoever picked up my purse was nice enough to turn it in intact! Thank you whoever you are! Thanks a million! REALLY!
I’ve learned my lesson. The social security card is now OUT of my wallet and in safekeeping. About time…
But here is my theory to my general dumbness and slowless as of late. I am still experiencing lingering effects of BPV. I’m still dizzy a lot of times, my head has since felt like I have a 15 pound helmet on – some days are better than others, some days are worse. When I look at something, sometimes my inside eyes and mind don’t see it till a few seconds later. Like static, static, static…ok, focus!
I think I’m spending a lot of energy and effort dealing with the dizzy and don’t have much room for much else. Even now, when I turn my head sideways, the inside of my head seems to turn slower than my actual head, if that makes any sense. Up or down is even more troublesome – then I feel like I’m floating a bit.
I can’t wait to feel normal again…to have a day where my head doesn’t carry all that weight, to be able to lie down flat in bed again and not have to wait a few seconds for my inside head to float down to the rest of me. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m SO thankful that I’m out of the eye of the BPV storm. THAT was not fun. The after effects I have now are 1000, no 5000 times better than the actual episode itself. BPV in full force will stop you in your track, render you to no more than a lump of stiff necked coal.
Anyway, that’s why I think I’m dumber than normal. Let’s hope that when this vertigo remnant disappears, I can feel in tune and smart again!
